Polski
Toxic parents can unconsciously exert a strong negative influence on our lives. Instead of providing a secure foothold, they lavish us with criticism, impose control or remain emotionally unapproachable. Although they often do so in the belief that they are doing the right thing, the effects of such relationships can be painful and long-lasting. As Bradley K. Barber shows in his now-classic article Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct, subtle forms of pressure – such as manipulating feelings or inducing guilt – can be just as destructive as overt emotional abuse. How do we recognize behaviors that signal that we are dealing with a toxic parent?
Table of Contents:
- Why can parents be toxic? Reasons for this behavior
- The most important characteristics of toxic parents – how to recognize them?
- Toxic parents, how to deal with a toxic parent? Practical tips
Why can parents be toxic? Reasons for this behavior
Toxic behavior by parents is unfortunately often rooted in their own lives and experiences. Parents who themselves experienced a difficult childhood, grew up in an unhealthy atmosphere, or did not learn how to build healthy relationships may unknowingly duplicate bad patterns. Their toxicity may stem from a lack of coping skills, low self-esteem, or unfulfilled ambitions they are trying to realize through their children.
Many toxic parents don’t even realize that their behavior is harmful. For example, excessive control may appear to them as an expression of concern, and criticizing the child as a form of motivation to do better. Often, they fear that they will lose influence over the child’s life, so they use manipulation to maintain control. Others transfer their frustrations and failures to the child, treating the child as a vent for their emotions.
Some toxic behavior can also be the result of mental illness, lack of emotional support or simply not knowing how to build healthy family relationships. It is worth remembering that the toxicity of parents does not always mean their bad intentions – it is often due to a lack of tools and knowledge of how to be a good parent.
The most important characteristics of toxic parents – how to recognize them?
Toxic parents have certain recurring characteristics that can be observed when analyzing their treatment of a child. One of them is the lack of a sense of security, which should be the foundation of any parent-child relationship. Such a parent does not support the child in difficult moments, and is sometimes even a source of stress for the child.
Criticizing a child is another signal of toxic behavior. If a parent is constantly pointing out mistakes, belittling successes, or comparing the child with others, this has the effect of lowering the child’ s self-esteem. Toxic parents also often don’t allow the child to express emotions – they may say that “boys don’t cry” or “there’s no reason to be sad,” which teaches the child to suppress his feelings instead of expressing them in a healthy way.
Another feature is the use of emotional blackmail – for example, “if you don’t do this, you will disappoint me” or “I am so hurt by your behavior.” This kind of manipulation makes the child feel guilty and responsible for the parent’s emotions.
Toxic parents can also be overprotective, controlling every aspect of a child’s life, preventing them from developing independence. Sometimes they humiliate the child by using name-calling, taunting or other forms of verbal abuse , which can leave deep emotional wounds for life. It is worth noting that toxicity can take many forms, from overt aggression to subtle manipulation.
Toxic parents, how to deal with a toxic parent? Practical tips
Research on the phenomenon of psychological parental control (e.g., Bradley K. Barber, 1996) shows that there is not always open violence or physical harm. Often, a toxic parent creates guilt, insecurity or even emotional “addiction” in the child through manipulation and judgment of every step. For this reason, even in adulthood, it is difficult for us to free ourselves from the patterns we adopted in childhood. Here are some practical tips on how to try to cope:
1. recognize the mechanisms of manipulation
Understanding how a parent triggers feelings of guilt or obligation in us is the first step to counteracting these influences. Knowing about psychological control allows you to notice when your boundaries are being crossed.
2. set boundaries
Learn to clearly express your needs and expectations. A toxic parent often does not respect the other person’s autonomy, so consistently communicating what is acceptable to you and what is not can help reduce negative interactions.
3. take care of your own emotional support
Support from friends, a partner or a therapist can sometimes be crucial in dealing with the consequences of toxic family relationships. Talking to someone you trust allows you to see the situation from a different perspective.
4. work through difficult emotions
Emotions related to childhood and family relationships tend to “carry over” into adult life. It is worth seeking professional help, such as psychotherapy, to realize the source of your reactions and learn to set healthy boundaries in adult relationships.
5. consider limiting contact
If, despite attempts to repair the relationship, the toxic parent consistently fails to change his or her behavior, consider reducing interactions to the bare minimum. Sometimes clear distancing is needed for one’s own mental health.
However, we must remember that every situation is different and requires an individual approach. Whether your parent’s toxic behavior is in the form of overt control or subtle manipulation, the key is to understand its impact on your life and put in place strategies to rebuild your sense of security and self-esteem.
Dealing with a toxic parent is not easy, especially if the relationship is deeply rooted in emotions and a sense of obligation to the parent. The first step is to understand that toxic behavior is not our fault. A child, even an adult, is not responsible for his parent’s emotional problems.
It is important to set boundaries. If a parent is constantly criticizing or manipulating, it’s a good idea to make it clear: “I don’t condone this behavior,” or “I don’t condone you talking to me like that.” This can be difficult, but it is crucial to protecting your own mental health.
The next step is to learn to cut off emotionally. If a parent triggers guilt, it’s worth asking yourself, “Am I really responsible for how my parent feels?” Realizing that every adult is responsible for their own emotions can help you distance yourself from toxic actions.
Support from a psychologist or therapist can be extremely helpful in understanding and dealing with toxic relationships. A specialist can help you learn to communicate with your parent and build healthy boundaries.
In some cases, if a parent’ s toxicity threatens one’s mental or physical health, it may be necessary to limit contact or even break it off altogether. This is a difficult decision, but sometimes the only one that allows you to take care of your own well-being.
The most important thing to remember is that we have the right to respect, love and security – including from our parents. If we do not receive this, we have the right to seek support and put our own needs first.
