Manipulative techniques: Gaslighting – violence you can’t see

Paula discovers a dark secret. From that moment on, strange things happen in her house. However, Paula’s husband does not share her concerns. These are just your hallucinations, he claims. Is the plot of the movie “Gaslight” just fiction? One of the most well-known manipulation techniques, Gaslighting affects us much more often than you think.

This is an informal term for psychological violence, referring to the film’s title. As Dr. Dorota Zelechowska, a psychologist, psychosocial skills trainer and assistant professor at SWPS University, notes, “Gaslighting is a form of manipulation, i.e. a situation of influence in which the person exerting influence carries out some intention. The person towards whom this influence is exerted is unaware of the situation. As a consequence of prolonged use of this mechanism, a person experiencing this form of psychological violence may lose confidence in his own perception. Memory or the ability to make an adequate judgment of reality.

In practice, as gaslighting can also be counted as any intentional and constant disrespectful actions. Cheating, intentionally misleading, devaluing or questioning the feelings of another person.”

In close relationships, psychological violence often takes sophisticated forms devoid of signs of aggression, hidden under the guise of good intentions, caring, love. That’s why, not only is it so difficult to recognize, name, but also to prove. “These can be everyday situations. For example, I’m sure I had 200 zloty in my wallet, and I have 50, and someone tells me: “No, no, no, you didn’t have 200 zloty, after all, you were out shopping yesterday and spent it.” And I reply that I don’t remember those purchases. “Well, yes, no wonder you forgot. You’re so overtired, you work so much, after all, I can see that you’ve been feeling so poorly lately, I’m worried about you,” illustrates Mirela Batog, psychologist, intervention psychotherapist.

Very often, people experiencing psychological violence experience cognitive dissonance between their own judgment and that which is imposed on them: you are exaggerating, as usual, don’t get hysterical.

The closeness of the relationship might suggest that gaslighting is the domain of domestic violence. Nothing could be further from the truth. This form of manipulation can occur in any relationship, with any person and with varying intensity. “Gaslighters can be people in leadership positions who can only manage by conflict, by instilling fear, by manipulation, by keeping people in the dark,” says Mirela Batog. “When someone tells me I didn’t tell you to do it at all, or after all I told you to do it, and I’m sure someone didn’t tell me to do it, this is a form of gaslighting, which also fits into the convention of bullying.” One way to defend against this type of manipulation may be to take notes or send emails with a brief summary of the meeting.

On the surface, it would seem that those who use such a sophisticated form of violence are individuals with psychopathic traits. However, according to research, as many as 20 percent of violent individuals use violence as an unconscious defense mechanism.

 “The use of such manipulative techniques couched in the term gaslighting may not be a clear indicator to judge a person as having antisocial or narcissistic traits. It could also be that someone has learned such behaviors by observing in their environment that this is an effective way of dealing with some troublesome social situations,” according to Dr. Dorota Zelechowska.  

Gaslighting, in its initial phase, takes the form of seemingly harmless and socially normalized situations, which, as a consequence, can undermine our self-confidence and confidence in our agency. The escalation of psychological violence usually goes unnoticed.Especially if it is formulated under the illusory guise of concern. It is also important to reformulate the assessments directed towards us into an opinion. This removes the mark of objectivity from the judgment that concerns us. Therefore, as Dr. Dorota Zelechowska notes, “we should examine our feelings and be in a relationship with our emotions, consider whether we actually want to be in such a relationship, whether we want to experience it at a cost.”