What does a happy relationship look like and what foundations should it be based on? Probably each of us is asking ourselves this question. In theory, it consists of love, a sense of security and trust. It’s seemingly simple, but… Research shows that as many as 44% of Poles feel jealousy. Where does it come from? First of all, from a lack of confidence. In such a situation, can we form any relationship at all if we can’t trust our other half? This problem was helped by an expert, psychologist and psychotherapist, Natalia Ziopaja, author of the book “Self-Help”.
Table of Contents:
- Where does jealousy come from?
- Explosive mixture
- Mental terror in a toxic relationship
- Double standards
- Toxic relationship: Women vs. Men
- Morbid jealousy
- Jealous partner controls at every turn
- Is forgiveness of betrayal possible?
- Infidelity in a relationship
- Men cheat more often
- Is there healthy jealousy?
- How to deal with jealousy?
- Happy relationship
Where does jealousy come from?
We often hear “I don’t understand, how can she be so jealous?” In theory it seems so simple, but the feeling of jealousy is actually multidimensional. It is not possible to clearly identify where it comes from, as it can have a completely different cause in each person. It is an emotion like any other and equally necessary in our lives. However, its limit can easily be exceeded and then problems arise.
“Jealousy can have different sources. Often the formation of strong jealousy has its origins in unpleasant experiences in close relationships. Jealousy can be related to fear, anxiety, insecurity resulting from low self-esteem or difficulties in trust. We deal with jealousy when we are afraid of loss, that something or someone may be taken away from us,” says our expert Natalia Ziopaja, who on a daily basis runs an active account on Instagram, where people who can’t cope with jealousy can also find help.
The feeling of jealousy consists of many different feelings: fear, uncertainty, anger or sadness. Their accumulation makes us behave according to certain patterns. We become distrustful of the other person, most often of our guy, for whom, after all, we have feelings. Love and attachment turns into a kind of obsession that is hard to deal with. Then, instead of seeking help, many people give up.
Mental terror in a toxic relationship
This is the moment when we start checking the other person’s phone out of hiding, reading text messages, rummaging through the computer, private mail, asking for the smallest detail and checking pockets. However, morbid checking is not enough. We also become jealous of friends, especially of the opposite sex. Many women can’t imagine that their guy has a friend, even if they themselves have a friend. In extreme cases, even the very word “colleague” or “friend” ends in a brawl.
It’s no secret that double standards still persist in such a case. Not only can a woman have a friend while in a relationship, but she also has tacit permission to check a man’s phone. “Of course I check my boyfriend’s cell phone. I read every text message in real time. The Lord God guards the guarded, and I prefer to blow on the cold,” Catherine writes on one of the online forums. She is not alone, she is accompanied by a crowd of exuberant women.
A man who would do the same would have no such acquiescence at all. It would be said that he is possessive, unfair and… does not trust his partner.
Toxic relationship: Women vs. Men
According to the study, it is women who are much more jealous than men. They are much more suspicious and much more likely to control their partners. What is the reason for this? A very large number of women have an understated sense of self-esteem and struggle with numerous complexes. They fear rejection and that their partner will leave them for another woman. However, here the question arises, does such a relationship really make sense? We can quote one of the most beautiful quotes from the book “The Little Prince” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry):
“If you love something, let it go. When it comes back to you, it’s yours. If not, yours never was.”
It perfectly captures the nature of a happy relationship, which works on the principle of a Martian rubber band. We are not able to love another person by force, let alone keep him with us. That’s why trust in a partner is so important. If we expect freedom and space ourselves, we should also give it to our partner, otherwise our relationship becomes toxic. So it is worthwhile to respect the other person’s opinion and decisions, instead of changing it by force. When a relationship becomes downright obsessive, and we begin to suspect infidelity at every turn, we should reflect on the meaning of such a relationship. Privacy, after all, is due to everyone, and a relationship is not about deleting text messages for fear of a jealous partner.
Morbid jealousy can have many side effects. It’s not just constantly checking the other person’s phone. This is primarily a lack of one’s own mental comfort. Constantly thinking about what the other person is doing, and more importantly, with whom, negatively affects our well-being. A spiral of bad emotions is being screwed up, which we stew in ourselves or unload on our partner and loved ones.
All this can lead to neurosis, anxiety and even depression. Therefore, in such a situation, it is worth talking to a specialist who will help us deal with all these negative emotions and teach us to love ourselves.
Yes, it is self-love that can be the antidote to all evil. Raising our self-esteem will make us feel more confident in ourselves, and thus more confident in the relationship and the relationship we have with our partner. Studies confirm that a confident woman becomes much more attractive and acts as a magnet. He knows his own value, so he knows that he will not stop the other person by force. The fact that our partner will at some point become interested in someone else and decide to leave is a real threat not only in fresh relationships, but also in long-standing ones. Therefore, it is important to nurture the relationship at all times and take care of the feeling between you.
Jealous partner controls at every turn
Controlling can make little difference. If you read on your partner’s phone that he has another woman, that he loves her and that he is thinking about a future together, can you then really keep him with you by force? Crying and lamenting will not change much here. If both of you want to fight, couples therapy may be helpful, especially if infidelity has already occurred.
Is forgiveness of betrayal possible?
Many women profess that they would never forgive their partner for infidelity, but when feelings take over, it is difficult to think logically. If you love your partner, it is worth thinking about your decision then, so that you do not regret it later. But is forgiveness of betrayal really possible and can we ever forget it? We asked our expert, psychologist and psychotherapist Natalia Ziopaja, about this: “It is possible, if this is the decision we make and this is what we want. Of course, subconscious revisiting can happen, while it is worthwhile then to be aware that it was we who decided to build, in fact, a new relationship, anew, and such a decision was made. However, you can’t expect to suddenly forget everything and it’s over, it’s a good idea to “dress the wounds” first and give yourself time to heal. I believe that the introduction of clear rules, regarding, for example, transparency and clarity in the relationship, the desire to enter into a “new” relationship with the same partner, clarity in communication and respect for one’s needs and feelings provides this opportunity, if there is such a desire. Of course, keeping in mind that nothing by force and forcing others as well as yourself to love is impossible.”
Infidelity in a relationship
Often, jealousy in a relationship is not at all exaggerated. If we feel that something is up, it is worth acting. The best solution seems to be an honest conversation with your partner. However, it’s hard to expect the other person, when put up against the wall, to suddenly admit that he or she is dating someone else. What to do in such a situation? Observe and be patient. It is said that there is no perfect crime, so also potential treason will one day see the light of day.
Men cheat more often
There is also a not insignificant study that confirms that more than 60% of men commit infidelity in a relationship. That’s almost twice as many as women who do the same. It used to be thought that men cheat because they are looking for what they didn’t get in their current steady relationship. Today, this theory has been debunked and it is currently believed that emotional immaturity and the search for unrealistic behavior, including sex without any inhibitions, are behind infidelity.
Many men are afraid or ashamed to talk to their partners about sex and their fantasies. The same goes for the other side. Therefore, more often than not, infidelity takes place with casuals and involves satisfying sexual needs. In this way, we try to escape from problems instead of trying to solve them. If you feel that no previous relationship has brought you satisfaction, you may need psychotherapy. Sometimes it is easier to talk about it with a specialist than with a partner, who will additionally help us understand where the problem lies. This is definitely a better solution compared to the fact that we may start hurting a person close to us. Such a compromise can save the relationship.
Is there healthy jealousy?
This raises the question of whether jealousy is always justified and whether there is such a thing as healthy jealousy at all? The feeling of envy in the right proportions should even accompany us in our daily functioning. It is natural for a person to feel the fear of losing something (in this case, someone), and thus try harder.
It is a kind of driving force for action. We want to look good, we take care of ourselves, we take on more challenges because we want to impress someone, to please and be noticed. The emotions that accompany jealousy thus become motivation. This way, we take care of our relationship instead of settling down when we feel too confident.
How to deal with jealousy?
When healthy jealousy starts to go beyond certain limits it is worth fighting it. There are plenty of ways to deal with it and thus have a happy relationship. How to deal with jealousy from a psychological point of view? We asked our expert, psychologist Natalia Ziopaja, about this: “It’s worth starting from the fact that jealousy is a natural human emotion that occurs in us and when adequate can carry useful information. So the first point of regulating jealousy is to accept it. Acceptance does not mean passivity, so the next step is to look at it. Maybe it says something of value to us and will lead to an important conversation, or maybe it’s underserving and worth confronting our fears and thoughts with reality. Our minds overestimate the probability of bad events. So it is worth considering whether the thought serves me, whether there is evidence for it, whether my jealousy serves the relationship or rather harms it, because that is what irrational jealousy is. Then it’s a good idea to work on recognizing and challenging intrusive thoughts yourself or with the help of a psychotherapist. Recognizing that thoughts are not facts but are products of the mind can be very helpful. The best way to do this is to be kind to yourself, self-compassionate, rather than punishing and burdening.”
If you want to be in a happy relationship with someone, start by loving yourself. It might seem like an empty platitude repeated many times, but it may be the most valuable advice you’ll ever get. Self-love allows you to free yourself from morbid jealousy. It will make you confident, attractive, and exude sex appeal. Others see you as you see yourself. Instead of controlling your partner at every turn, believe in yourself.
One thought on “Jealousy “He checks my phone, rummages through my computer…” Morbid jealousy, how to deal with it in a toxic relationship and how to put up with a jealous guy?”
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