PolskiDo you really have to give up a piece of yourself to be “that perfect” partner? Or does intimacy begin right there, where you dare to say “I need” instead of “somehow I can handle it”? Gestalt psychotherapist Renata Grelewicz catches the hand of each of us who balances the desire for tenderness with the fear that unveiling the true “I” will end in rejection. In a conversation with Marta Dybinska, she reveals a map of the road to a relationship, in which you don’t have to be right to have… a relationship.
Who is this text for and what will you learn?
- For women who feel that somewhere along the way they have lost their boundaries and want to regain them without separating from their partner.
- For couples who are stuck in “quiet days” and are looking for a language to hear each other again.
- For singles building a new relationship – to know right away where healthy care ends and disastrous “self-sacrifice” begins.
Renata Grelewicz – Gestalt psychotherapist, certified coach, business psychologist. She supports people in crisis situations, as well as in stimulating the development of their potential and improving their quality of life. She accompanies people in discovering what is important to them. Helps build good relationships with themselves and others.
From the interview/article you will learn, among other things:
- Why the myth of the “perfect partner” eats away at true intimacy,
- what is the difference to want to be with someone from need someone – and why it’s so important,
- How to recognize your own attachment style and what to do about it,
- How to say “no” (and “yes!”) without feeling guilty,
- why “attune” is a six-letter recipe for everyday love,
- What really destroys intimacy – before the topic of sex even enters.
Ms. Renata, what is true intimacy in a relationship?
Love between a man and a woman is one of the most beautiful and at the same time most difficult paths a person can take. The trick is to build it on true closeness, and here an important issue is to deal with reality and with the very fact of being different, but at the same time close, very close. Some people dream of an ideal partner/ideal partner, someone who will meet all their expectations, who will always know what to do and what to say. They confuse love with wanting to be appreciated, or to get everything from their partner that they didn’t get earlier in life. The ideal partner/ideal partner is a myth. Not needing someone, but wanting to be with them is the value. True intimacy in a relationship is something deeper than living together, having sex or spending time together. It’s a feeling of emotional security, understanding and acceptance that allows you to be yourself without fear of rejection, judgment or loss of love. It’s not a state that one has, but a process that one builds and nurtures.
What are the obstacles to building intimacy?
In relationships – especially intimate ones – willingly or unwillingly, we change under our partner’s influence, and he under ours, so it’s easy to cross the line of losing ourselves in the relationship. In a relationship with a person we love, who impresses us, we often relinquish ourselves – in the name of love. Sometimes we want to be different than we are
Besides, being in a relationship confronts us every day with the fact that there is another point of view, another experience. And taking a different point of view is threatening for some, because they are afraid that their needs will be ignored, because in their experience, when they talk about their needs, trouble ensues. Some think: “why irritate and so it is pointless, better holy peace”. In this approach, there are only two solutions: either you have to give up your opinion, that is, give in to the other, or fight and stay with your own. Whichever strategy we use, the result is that we distance ourselves from each other. And in a relationship there is no other resolution either you want to be right or the relationship. It is important – if a dispute or quarrel arises – that there be in the couple a will to agree, to reconcile. So that we do not quarrel in a hurtful way, so that there is no intention to tribute harm, to hurt each other, or to want revenge.
When emotions are involved it’s not all that easy….
“I don’t agree with something” – this is the starting point of the conversation. Even if one is affected. It would then be important to say: “I feel as if you have hit me. What did you want to say to me?”. You can’t wait for someone to guess. This hope is disappointing. One must be able to agree with oneself and the other person on a kind of cordiality. One must learn sentences like this: “I want to be able to tell you something about myself, and I know that it will be about me, not about you. I’m talking about myself for you!”
Why do people persist in unhappy relationships?
There are different resolutions to this issue, more conscious and less conscious, and often these reasons overlap and can be psychological, social, emotional, or economic. How many people, so many experiences and meanings.
Part of it may be due to low self-esteem and various beliefs about yourself or your relationship. For example: the vow once taken is binding, don’t I deserve a happy relationship, a better one may not happen to me, or I don’t deserve more, divorce is a shame, etc.
Others are afraid to go out with their need. Because when they need, they somehow give up their control and put themselves at risk, because they don’t know if they will get what they want or not. So by not risking, they abandon their needs, invalidate them, and that’s a recipe for persisting in unfulfillment. And to be happy in a relationship you need to be able to give back, to trust the other party.
The thought of separation can cause various anxieties, fears. Loneliness is frightening. For some, the lack of companionship can be worse than continuing in a relationship without satisfaction. Separation is also painful, and it actually doesn’t matter who initiated it, because in effect the relationship has broken down and in that sense some part of ourselves has fallen apart. The part that, after all, once chose this person. And there may be a strong desire in us to maintain this identity, unconsciously we do not want to undermine it for ourselves. Or we may feed ourselves with the hope that the partner will change, that the current problems are just a temporary phase, and there is a belief that better times will return.
But I can also imagine that it is possible to last in a relationship, but be completely disconnected from it, because someone has been anesthetized for some time with, for example, a new romance, or is devoted exclusively to work.
Is it possible to have a happy relationship without intimacy?
I like to check the definition of terms, because in them sometimes lies the answer. Intimacy, according to the definition of the PWN encyclopedia, implies that it is “a set of mental acts, mainly feelings and emotions, associated with the desire to create a permanent interpersonal relationship between 2 people.” According to this definition, the answer is clear, it is not possible to have a happy relationship without intimacy, because without it there is no possibility of creating a relationship between two.
Intimacy is intimacy not only physical – that is, erotic sexuality – but also emotional, which creates a deep bond between people. It’s the kind of bond that implies tenderness, trust, security, closeness, the ability to freely exchange our thoughts, emotions, feelings. It’s also a shared interest.
Intimacy, closeness does not necessarily guarantee a happy relationship?
Intimacy is a state that appears not only in marriage, a couple. It is also in friendships. In these relationships, we especially want intimacy, honesty, authenticity, we want to be understood, listened to and appreciated. These are important aspects of a relationship, however one-dimensional. In a relationship, a friendship , other aspects also reveal themselves, those less wanted. There are times when we experience pain, sadness, disappointment, have a sense of being misunderstood/understood, feel tearful loneliness, anger or frustration. The line between our wants, needs and resulting expectations and demands, claims, whims is thin. It’s definitely easier to build intimacy and closeness when the other person is the way I imagine, “dream” him, when he is the way I want him to be. On the other hand, it is more difficult to build it when this image is no longer so ideal, there is something in it that is not in accordance with our desires, imaginations. And accepting someone as he or she is, with his or her qualities, but also imperfections, is the most difficult, but also the most enriching way to build our closeness and intimacy.
What destroys intimacy?
I once heard a phrase like this, that intimacy is very sensitive to anxiety, and anxiety or apprehension, as G. Francesetti, a psychiatrist and Gestalt therapist, wrote; is “a stirring of the body that has no answer.” Translating this to a relationship, I understand it to mean that in a couple someone cannot experience a sense of security and comfort, that it is difficult to trust and confide in, that there are not those accepting eyes directed toward him/her. It reminds me of the porcupine dilemma that Schopenhauer described. Porcupines on a cold night try to gather together to keep warm. But when they get too close, they hurt each other with their spikes. To avoid hurting each other, they move away from each other, but then they suffer from the cold. As a result, they condemn themselves to constant movement and repetition of this internal conflict, which they are unable to resolve, and therefore achieve neither closeness nor comfort. For me, this is a remarkable metaphor for the challenges that are precisely related to intimacy, it’s such a dance between the desire for intimacy, for closeness, for merging one’s whole self with the other, and the fear of being discovered too much, of being pushed away and rejected, of losing oneself. There is no closeness and intimacy without risk.
Intimacy can also be destroyed by lack of communication and the way we speak to each other. Avoiding conversations about feelings, needs and problems, avoiding difficult conversations for the sake of “sanity,” criticizing, judging, not accepting, suppressing conflicts leads to distance. Over time, partners stop understanding each other, which builds a wall between them.
What does the fear of proximity stem from?
Well, the figure here is anxiety, and it consists of deficits related to the bond. In each of us, the relationship resolves more or less conscious questions about the relationship we have to closeness, dependence and separation, independence. To what extent can I give myself to the other? We are afraid of rejection and lack of acceptance.
Sometimes it is that we are afraid that if we get close and trust, we will be destroyed, appropriated, lose ourselves. Sometimes it is also the case that we are afraid of expressing ourselves, we have learned to ignore our feelings. We have learned that we are accepted when we care for others. This is one way to develop a relationship based on dependency. They are often out of fear of being left behind, abandoned. In the interest of not disappointing someone, we remain in a consensual, symbiotic, dependent relationship. Breaking the state of symbiosis is difficult. Dilemmas play out inside, is it possible to have one’s own needs without experiencing guilt? Are we able to withstand the fact that someone will be dissatisfied?
There are several different attachment styles. For those with an avoidant or anxious-ambivalent attachment style, fear of closeness is typical. The former have difficulty showing affection and avoid involvement in relationships fearing overdependence. The latter are characterized by a strong fear of abandonment and a need for constant affirmation of their partner’s feelings. They may be overly dependent in relationships and fear rejection.
They seemingly want to, but don’t want to?
What they have in common is that they try to keep their distance, do not ask for help, and deny the need for closeness. They are terrified of proximity, although they crave it. They are so afraid of it that they feel they don’t need it. They don’t believe that their demand makes sense, that they will be heard, understood, hugged, so they have no other choice – they give up, avoid, withdraw, distance, deny. The only weapon for them is isolation from love, closeness.
These are the matrices of our memories, they have their origin in past history, and show themselves in current accounts. And the point here is not to burden someone, to absolve ourselves, but to see it, that there can be such a power in us. As we become more aware of it, it will be easier for us to take advantage of it. So that our story is our resource. That we should be able to say who I am and where I came from, not by whom I was/have been harmed. I suffered/have suffered/have been harmed, but I am not living it. This is a very important distinction. The idea is to have such autonomy that there is no anxiety or guilt. It’s about trusting enough to be able to let yourself down, and being close to someone involves being open to pushback and rejection. It’s an area where we lose control.
How to succeed in a relationship?
True love is born when we are able to see the beauty in the ordinary, in everyday gestures, conversations, glances, shared moments, a warm good morning, a tender touch of the hand, a kiss, a delicious coffee drunk together, a text message sent during the day. Small words and gestures have power. One must bestow them generously. It is important to remember that there is another human being living next door, as human as IAM, with his stories, longings, desires, pains and dreams. With his light and shadow. He can give you as much as he can. You, too, can give as much as you can. So you can’t look for perfection. It is enough that more is good.
These are very beautiful words… And important….
To be together, but also never tethered. There must be the right balance between one’s dependence and independence. Never above each other, never below each other, always side by side, so that we can say at the end – we did it TOGETHER.
A breakthrough in a relationship can come when one dares to show one’s feelings and fears, instead of remaining silent and withdrawn, when one decides to talk about one’s needs instead of giving up on oneself or making oneself unhappy. One has to be open to constant conversation, constant negotiation. One must allow oneself to reveal oneself and learn, for example, a sentence like this: “I need to be alone for a while, but that doesn’t mean you are not important/important to me.”
That’s why it’s always a good idea to talk, not wait for the other party to guess?
You have to trust your needs, allow yourself to hear your voice and be open and curious about the other. We as humans really express and satisfy our needs for closeness and intimacy differently. For some it may be a hug and for another it may be sexual intimacy, for someone it may be sitting on the couch together and watching a movie, and for someone it may be taking a walk and holding hands. It is necessary to talk about it clearly, tenderly and courageously, because if not, the price is regret, resentment, disappointment that I don’t get it, that someone didn’t figure it out.
Lebanese writer Khali Gibran said that “hate is starved love.” So let’s feed ourselves abundantly, let’s share ourselves generously, this table is truly full of possibilities and there is enough room for two at it.
How do you show your love?
There is such a verb in English – attune, which means to tune in. Attune is a good start, and if we make it an acronym, we have a concrete recipe for love in a relationship:
Awareness– be attentive to the other person’s emotions
Turning(turn) – address this person in gestures, attitudes, actions, mental openness
Tolerance(tolerance) – tolerate the divergence between you, the difference is not against you, make room in yourself to accommodate ambivalence and diversity
Understanding– try to understand the other side, be curious about it
Non-defensive– respond to the other party’s actions without defenses, facades, games, envy, greed; when entering into a reaction, maintain your own identity and sense of value
Empathy(empathy) – look for an empathetic response to the other person.
Summary from the editors of gentlewoman.eu
The interview with Renata Grelewicz reminds us that intimacy is not a reward for being a “flawless” partner, but a process of constant attunement to oneself and to the other person. The key words that ring out from the interview are courage, boundaries and curiosity. Courage to express our own needs, boundaries to protect our identity, and unrelenting curiosity about the other person – even when their point of view differs from ours.
At GentleWoman.eu, we believe that mature femininity lies in the ability to combine care for a relationship with care for oneself. If, after reading, you felt that you want to put into practice at least one phrase from the acronym A T T U N E, start boldly – starting today, with the simplest gesture. And if you’re still searching for the language to tell your partner about your needs, remember: the first step is to hear your own voice.
Thank you for reading and sharing your experience, you can always write to our editorial team [email protected]. It’s your stories that make our community vibrant and authentic. Let this text be an invitation to more conversations – about love, boundaries and the joy of being together on our own terms.
