Stashing is an increasingly popular trend in dating. Although the name seems completely foreign and innocent to you, behind it lies one of the most dangerous manipulative techniques. Stashing is a multi-faceted phenomenon that is not easy to define. Although theoretically it has been known for a very long time, it is currently experiencing a kind of renaissance thanks to the videos published on TikToku, to which the song “Questions part 3” is primed. GentleWoman’s editors decided to take a closer look at it.
“I hid you from the whole world”.
Although the famous song by the band DeMono is over 20 years old, it perfectly captures the nature of stashing. Stasher tries at all costs to hide from the world something that is important to him, in this case his partner. He doesn’t mention it to family, friends, colleagues and doesn’t post anything on social media. For others, he still remains single. Why? Perhaps this allows him to meet whoever he wants and whenever he wants without too much explaining or he doesn’t take your relationship seriously. It suits him this form of meetings: you have a nice time, talk, cuddle, have sex, and then each of you lives your own life. It’s such a relationship without a relationship.
During one of the discussions in a closed Facebook group, Kasia writes: “I’ve known Artur for over a year now. I love him, and he loves me. I know it and feel it, even though I have not met his mother, brothers or any friends so far. It’s a little strange, especially since he’s known my friends for a long time. Whenever I ask about it, he tells me that the most important thing is that we have ourselves and that we don’t need others for happiness (…)” Are we sure? A happy relationship is one formed by two happy people. If there are any doubts, which the partner not only does not dispel, but also intensifies, it is a sign that something is wrong. There is a reason why it is said that intuition does not let us down and we should trust it.
Who is a stasher?
The word “stash” itself comes from English and means hiding something valuable. The term “stasher” was first used by British journalist Ellen Scott five years ago. However, the phenomenon of stashing was known to us much, much earlier.
So the Stasher is a person who hides you from the world for some reason. Counterintuitively, these reasons can be many, including. Fears of proximity and rejection, shame, lack of confidence or lack of commitment. However, it is important that you do not under any circumstances blame yourself for this state of affairs. In this relationship, you are the victim of stashing.
Stasher leads a kind of double life. With you, he forms a seemingly happy relationship. He is loving and you think he cares about you. But then there’s the other side, where his loved ones think he’s still single. He never, even by accident, mentions you, and your name never falls during phone conversations. You don’t know anyone “on his side.”
You keep telling yourself that it’s too early, that maybe he doesn’t know how to go about it. But a month passes, six months, a year… and nothing changes. It would seem that your relationship should have entered the next level a long time ago, and meanwhile you two don’t even live together. Yes, he sometimes happens to stay the night at your place or invite you to his place. However, that is all. You also notice more and more that your belongings that you left with him are always deeply hidden. He explains that he likes order.
The power of social media
You have noticed that he never inserts photos of you together and doesn’t tag you anywhere, although he is very active on social media. He often uploads accounts of various places and meetings with friends, but he remains silent about you. Moreover, although he is effusive during your meetings and assures you of his affection every time, he has never even liked or commented on a single photo of you. It’s as if he doesn’t look there at all, yet you often see him using Facebook or posting more videos on TikTok.
The worst part is that he deletes all the markings on the photos under which you marked his. Whenever you ask him about it, he also answers with a question: “Is social media really that important to you?” Seemingly it’s nothing, but it hurts you more and more.
You’re really happy with him, you’re thinking about a future together, but all this strange behavior still doesn’t give you peace of mind. You start asking uncomfortable questions. You want to get to know his friends, especially those with whom he is going on a joint “supposedly manly vacation” for the umpteenth time in a row. You’ve heard so much about his sister too, he said himself that she is very close to him. Not to mention the parents… He always explains it with the fact that you certainly wouldn’t like it, it’s not your climate or they don’t have the time.
The more you push, the more blunt his answers become and more than once they make you uncomfortable. He says you are exaggerating and that you are clinging. Increasingly, there are disputes between you, for which you both blame … you! Your self-esteem drops and complexes appear. Do you constantly wonder if there is something wrong with you, maybe he is ashamed of you, or maybe you are actually clinging for no reason?
Reasons for stashing
There may be many reasons for this. However, it is important to remember that they are not on your side, and the stasher or his environment is to blame. Perhaps he doesn’t want to introduce you to his loved ones because they were very fond of his ex and still can’t get over their breakup. And although he has feelings for you and you are close to him he still does not dare to take this step.
Another reason may be embarrassment. Research shows that up to one in four people may be ashamed of their families. Mainly they are ashamed of being poor or not living up to their partner’s expectations. Another Facebook user writes: “I did a very detailed research and came to the conclusion that my guy was ashamed of his family. He came from a small village somewhere in the Podlasie region, and his family was barely making ends meet.” The same goes for acquaintances. With a group of close friends, we can loosen up and be one hundred percent ourselves. By meeting a new person from completely foreign circles, we can build our identity from scratch and show ourselves in a completely different light. Therefore stasher may fear this confrontation, or worse, the fact that he will have to explain the differences in his behavior.
The reasons for stashing may also be rooted much deeper in the psyche. They arise due to fears of proximity and rejection. Our partner may care so much about us that he is afraid of loss and rejection. Getting to know loved ones is a kind of declaration. It shows how much we care about the other person, so they may be afraid of it and put it off.
Think for yourself
If such a relationship no longer satisfies you and you feel bad in it, leave. Think about yourself and the fact that you wanted to be happy after all. The fact that you ask questions about when you will meet his family or friends are not a bad thing. It’s only natural that you want to be a part of his life, since he is a part of yours. Don’t blame yourself. Keep in mind, however, that the reasons for stashing can be many, and in most cases can be due to past traumas and experiences. In such a case, it is very important to talk and understand. If you care about your partner do not push, try to talk to him and understand why he behaves like this. Perhaps the problem lies neither with you nor with him, but is rooted much deeper.