PolskiIn a world where gender roles are being rearranged and the definitions of “woman” and “man” are sometimes a source of heated debates, it is worth stopping and ensuring an honest dialogue. That is why today we give the floor to Dr. Jacek Pulikowski – a longtime family counselor and author of books on relationships – who looks at modern masculinity through the prism of the Catholic anthropology of John Paul II. His theses are incisive, sometimes controversial, but undoubtedly trigger important questions: about responsibility, emotional maturity and a woman’s place in the process of male development, and Paulina Podrez – psychotherapist and sexologist.
We invite you to read the conversation not to adopt one “right” model, but to see what from this traditional narrative appeals to us – women 30+ – and what needs supplementing with our partner, professional and personal experiences. In the article you will find information with statistics from CBOS and CSO, quotes and comments from psychotherapist Paulina Podrez, who balances the tone of the conversation, making it easy to translate the article into everyday life. We hope that the text will become an impulse for discussion: what is mature, inspiring masculinity for you – our female readers?
Dr. Jacek Pulikowski and Paulina Podrez (psychodynamic psychotherapist, sex therapist, couples therapist) are interviewed by Marta Dybinska.
Paulina Podrez – psychodynamic psychotherapist, sexologist, couples therapist, member of the Polish Society for Psychodynamic Psychotherapy – Polish Society of Sexology.
Dr. Jacek Pulikowski – lecturer at the Poznan University of Technology and lecturer at the Family Studies at the Theological Faculty of the Adam Mickiewicz University in Poznan.
Mr. Doctor, there is so much talk that modern men should talk about emotions, allow themselves tears….
Dr. J. Pulikowski – A man, like any man, is subject to emotions. However, their externalization should be subject to the control of reason and will. A real man can weep over a tragedy such as the death of a loved one. Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus. However, it is not befitting for a man to cry into his wife’s cuff because the headmaster looked at him crookedly…. A real man should learn to respect the feelings and emotions of women in order to be an effective support and protector for them.
Psychotherapist/sexologist P. Podrez – The stereotype “men don’t cry” cuts men off from contact with their own fragility. I see in the office how the shame of tears turns into depression masked by aggression or workaholism.
What should the ideal man be like according to society?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – I don’t know of any studies of what the ideal man should be according to society. I suspect, however, that it would be a distorted picture, as distorted are the models promoted (Peter Pan, Playboy, Macho, Narcissus, Single – all contrary to the true nature of man). On the other hand, I know the real pattern, the real man in accordance with his nature and destiny by the Creator. It was defined by Pope John Paul II in the Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (Vatican, November 1982). The man-husband-father (man’s most common destiny) should see to it that everyone in his family has fair conditions for development. In a word – he should see to it that he, his wife and children move toward the pinnacle of development on earth, toward… holiness. That is, to recognize, through reason using true knowledge, what is good and what is evil, and through a formed free will always choose even the difficult good, and reject even the very attractive evil. Ultimately, even at the cost of life. This is true inner freedom. She is to guard this development toward holiness by her own appealing example and by fulfilling four functions: responsibility for life conceived, participation in education, professional work serving the family and example of a mature Christian attitude. I write more extensively about this in the books: 4 Functions of a Man, RTCK, Nowy Sącz, and Worth Being a Father, IW Jerusalem, Poznań. Personally, I would prefer to formulate the last function: example of a mature Catholic attitude, because many Christian denominations have betrayed the teachings of Christ by accepting, among other things, divorce, abortion, same-sex unions, etc.
GW REDACTION [Divorces in Poland have increased from 39,800 in 1980 to nearly 57,000 in 2023. – according to CSO data. Experts point out that the lack of involvement of fathers is one of the key reasons for the breakdown of marriages. ]
What is the modern man like?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Everyone is different! There are great sometimes heroically responsible and there are…. despicable, even degenerate. A man, a born protector, who is not able to defend the life of his conceived child “has not yet crossed the threshold of humanization” (this is a quote from Professor of the Catholic University of Lublin, the long-dead Maria Grzywak – Kaczynska). There are millions of such, and what’s worse, not infrequently among celebrities and even at the tops of power…. I think that the biggest problem of the world (besides the departure from God and His commandments) is the disappearance of male responsibility.
Patterns of masculinity have changed over the years. Today, a man has to redefine himself?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Fashions and propagated patterns have changed. The true pattern (as described by John Paul II) is unchanging – as I mentioned earlier.
Psychotherapist/sexologist P. Podrez – Women’s growing sexual and professional self-awareness means that men feel pressure to always be “ready” and inventive in bed. They are increasingly paralyzed by the fear of a failed rapprochement, rather than – as in the past – a lack of desire.
What is the essence of masculinity?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Love and responsibility. With the fact that love he must learn (from a woman – “help needed”), and to responsibility he should grow up (among other things, in the toil of self-education with an important element of conscious asceticism) and take it manfully and faithfully on his shoulders. Not to shirk it, because that is what degrades a man. Taking responsibility results in a man’s growth to the limits of human possibility. Up to the willingness to give his life for the “subjects” entrusted to him. Not only the husband and father for his wife and children, but also, for example, the captain for the crew and passengers.
When does masculinity become toxic?
Psychotherapist/sex therapist P. Podrez – Toxicity is born from what is too rigid: when men suppress empathy because they “should be tough” or when competition turns into devaluation of others. The world is not black and white – the integration of “masculine” and “feminine” qualities gives the greatest power.
Dr. J. Pulikowski – When it is dysfunctional. When it does not fulfill the 4 functions mentioned above. A dysfunctional father “infects”, infects his son. Does the son have to duplicate his father’s mistakes? It is said that the apple does not fall far from the apple tree. Statistically, this is unfortunately true. Sons repeat their fathers’ mistakes. Why? Because the effort of self-education, working on oneself, shaping oneself according to a chosen plan with the application of specific actions, has gone out of fashion. Among which consciously undertaken asceticism resulting in self-control, the ability to reject evil temptations is very important. The son of a dysfunctional or even pathological father, through a consciously undertaken effort of self-education and supported by grace, can reach the heights of responsibility and…. holiness. Thus, in the case of a human being, the “apple” can peel very far from the apple tree and uphill. Hardship backed by grace? Yes, because human strength is not enough. After all, we have a nature tainted by original sin. So the fully accessible pursuit of holiness, which gives fullness of happiness already here on earth, is available only to believers, which the wise non-believer should join as soon as possible. What do I recommend to non-believers? An honest search for the truth! “Anyone who honestly seeks the truth will find God” (Saint Edith Stein – Benedict of the Cross).
Psychotherapist/sex therapist P. Podrez – Stereotypes repeatedly make it difficult for men to get in touch with their own emotions and fragility, which is, after all, true of any gender. Terms that limit expression and contact with oneself like “men don’t cry” are toxic. Such “standards” of masculinity hit especially those men who naturally draw more on female energy resources like caring, sensitivity or empathy. Instead of looking at these qualities as resources, individual charm – they repeatedly experience them as shameful, necessary to suppress in order to be that strong, dominant “masculine” one – because that’s probably what everyone expects of them. Such an attitude can lead to depression and the masking of its symptoms, which negatively affects the possibility of treating it often precisely because of shame.
What challenges do modern men face?
GW REDACTION[According to CBOS, only 39% of fathers say they spend more than 2 h with their child during the workday. This shows the scale of the challenge Dr. Pulikowski is talking about.(https://www.poznan.uw.gov.pl/system/files/zalaczniki/zalacznik_nr_2_-_program.pdf)]
Psychotherapist/sexologist P. Podrez – It’s fantastic that 64% of fathers today go on paternity leave – it’s the first step. In couples therapy, I see how such a start builds a bond and relieves the partner’s emotional burden. In 2024, according to the CSO, 41,900 fathers (17% of those eligible) will take parental leave, and 162,300 fathers (64% of those eligible) will take paternity leave. The statistics show an upward trend, so giving hope for the years to come.
Dr. J. Pulikowski – First of all, a man as a protector and guide must understand the evil of the surrounding world andbe able to defend those entrusted to his care from its effects. For this he needs true knowledge and efficient reason, as well as a strong and free will that enables him to defend “subordinates – that is, those entrusted to his care.” The husband and father in the family – the defense of his wife and children, the “father” of the village chief – the villagers, and the “father” of the President of the State – all the “subjects” of the – citizens, residents of the State and emigrants, in a word, the entire Nation. Most brutally speaking, the problem of many modern men is…. cluelessness and inertia.
Psychotherapist/sexologist P. Podrez – In every generation we face certain types of stereotypes, including those regarding sexuality. Men are often, according to society, seen as the ones who should always be “ready,” initiating close-ups and maintaining sexual confidence. Nowadays, on the other hand, women are learning to reach out more in professional, equality and sexual matters. They are becoming more self-aware, which naturally leads them to have higher expectations of their sexual partner.
The female body is more complicated and has many erogenous areas that can be volatile. So it is not surprising that a man can get lost in this sexual map of the female body and its needs. It also becomes a challenge for any man to meet the expectations of a long-term partner, who is more demanding than, for example, a one-night lover in his youth, with whom the main part of the rapture is provided by the discovery of the unknown and the excitement of adventure.
What are the consequences of a lack of authority in men’s lives?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Tragic! Losing and succumbing to false ideologies and as a result “dysfunctionality in fathering”. At the same time, real authorities exist, only they are denied and rejected and then become useless. Unfortunately. For peeping at and imitating real authorities is the easiest and safest way for human growth and development.
Let’s summarize: so what should a real man be like?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Capable of love (making a selfless gift of oneself) and responsible (up to the point of willingness to give one’s life for those entrusted to one’s “subordinates”). I know that the word “subordinates” may offend many, but true authority is a service to the subjects – the subordinates – and modern rulers would need to be reminded of this.
What is happening to modern men? Where to find them – responsible, faithful, honest?
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Every man should find it in himself. Having learned about himself, he should see (to put it mildly) imperfections and undertake honest work on himself to become responsible, faithful, honest…. This work should not be based solely on beautiful dreams and end with good intentions (we know what is paved with them). What is needed are not words and promises, but concrete deeds put into practice, which will transform the person (cf. “Person and Action”, Karol Wojtyla). A great, even indispensable help in learning to love for a man are women (starting with the mother and ending with the wife). A woman, especially when a man falls in love with her, becomes the highest (well, maybe after God) motivation for growth and willingness to sacrifice for her. So, wives, instead of complaining (although I know you have something to complain about) start your husbands (each his own)…. admire.
GW REDACTION [“If motivating your partner means giving up your own boundaries, see simple assertiveness exercises…” Assertiveness – practical techniques https://pokonajlek.pl”]
Dr. J. Pulikowski – Make us fall in love with each other anew and then you will regain the power of unearthly motivation of your husband to grow, to sacrifice for yourself and your children. I write about this in more detail in the book “Crocodile for the Beloved”, IW Jerusalem, Poznan.
In a word – let’s return to beautiful male-female relations. Let‘ s motivate each other to grow, and we will return to the forgotten happiness flowing not from careers, money and fame, but from love relationships with God, spouse, children, parents/in-laws and with other people. Keeping the listed order. We will return to the happiness that comes from love relationships. Other people looking at us will say “see how they love each other”, they will envy us and…. they will join us. This is my vision of returning to lost happiness. I suggest that everyone should start with themselves. Mother Teresa of Calcutta, after receiving the Nobel Prize, asked by a journalist: how to change the world for the better? she replied: The Lord will change himself, I will change myself and the world will be better. And Pope Benedict XVI, at the conclusion of the Congress of Families in Mexico in 2009, from Rome delivered the message: ‘the most important thing a Catholic can give to the world is personal holiness’. And let’s stick to that!
You can read the entire conversation with Paulina Podrez here, “Men under the magnifying glass: from tears up the sleeve to paternity leave – a conversation with psychotherapist Paulina Podrez about masculinity without a stitch.”
Question from the editors of GentleWoman “Do you also see the harmful effects of rigid gender stereotypes? Share your stories [email protected].
