PolskiHey, girls 30+! How many times have you caught yourself asking “what is HE actually feeling right now?” – when he keeps quiet, avoids initiation in bed or enthusiastically wears a baby carrier and then hangs his nose because he “couldn’t handle it”? Psychotherapist and sexologist Paulina Podrez takes on the whole mix: women’s growing self-confidence, the pressure for perfect sex, the new paternal tenderness and the ever-living stereotypes of the “tough guy.” If you want to understand why some men get lost in the “map” of the female body, while others fight for every hour with the baby – jump into reading. Zero moralizing, lots of specifics, some statistics and masses of empathy. Brew a cup of coffee and check out what masculinity looks like when we take off the armor. Talks Marta Dybinska.
Table of Contents:
- What challenges do modern men face?
- How much time does dad actually spend with his children?
- When does masculinity become toxic?
- Stereotypes
What challenges do modern men face?
As a psychotherapist and sexologist who also works with couples, I often find myself observing how men face different emotions, challenges brought by the growing independence and self-awareness of women, while this is not facilitated by certain gender stereotypes that are still in place.
In every generation we face certain types of stereotypes, including those regarding sexuality. Men are often, according to society, seen as the ones who should always be “ready,” initiating rapprochement and maintaining sexual confidence. Nowadays, on the other hand, women are learning to reach out more in professional, equality and sexual matters. They are becoming more self-aware, which naturally leads them to have higher expectations of their sexual partner.
The female body is more complicated and has many erogenous areas that can be volatile. So it is not surprising that a man can get lost in this sexual map of the female body and its needs. It also becomes a challenge for any man to meet the expectations of a long-term partner, who is more demanding than, for example, a one-night lover in his youth, with whom the main part of the rapture is provided by the discovery of the unknown and the excitement of adventure.
In couples therapy, I increasingly see resistance to initiating sexual initiation stemming from fear of foreplay that could be unsatisfying to the partner. Men in relationships feel a lot of pressure on how to meet expectations, but not be artificial and mechanical or reproductive at the same time. In the case of unsuccessful close-ups, negative emotions are intensified in both partners, which does not promote spontaneity and relaxation. This sometimes leads to looping, where each wants to give in to desire, but the uncertainty, the pressure to “succeed” to meet expectations stiffens the partners. Instead of being the explorer or leading the foreplay or the act itself, the man tries to follow instructions from his partner, who as a result does not feel his “presence” and experiences him as uninvolved acting mechanically. Sexual stereotypes do not have a supportive effect in such situations on the psyche of the man, who may himself feel inadequate compared to other men in such a situation, referring to the socially assigned standards of masculinity.
How much time does dad actually spend with his children?
In my psychotherapeutic work, I observe men increasingly struggling with parental stereotypes. They are happy to take over the care of children, including in activities theoretically assigned to women. I observe that greater awareness and promotion of paternity leave has a positive effect on greater male involvement, especially in the first months of a child’s life.
In 2024, according to the CSO, 41,900 fathers (17% of those eligible) will take parental leave , and 162,300 fathers (64% of those eligible) will take paternity leave. The statistics show an upward trend, thus giving hope for the years to come.
Unfortunately, recent research is lacking regarding the amount of time fathers spend with their children and the type of activities they do together. We can only rely on a 2022 study by the Giving Children Strength Foundation, according to which working fathers spent an average of 3.5 hours a week with their children and about 5 hours on their day off.
While men seem to be involved in caregiving in the form of providing financial security, organizational support like driving them to activities, and joint physical activity, while women are considered more as those who provide emotional support. Research, however, reveals the growing role of fathers as the second, and sometimes even first, object from whom children seek support. A study done by the Give Children Strength Foundation informs us that 40% of teenagers say they would turn to their father in a difficult situation. This shows the increasing alignment of parental roles and the importance of both parents in raising children. It seems to me that the days when the importance of the father’s role is overlooked are slowly behind us. Or at least I hope so observing a lot of public activity on the subject.
When does masculinity become toxic?
It would be necessary to start with what masculinity is and who defines it. Here again, I will refer to the harmful influence of stereotypes and requirements that a certain part of
Regardless of gender, we should focus on our individual predispositions and strengths. Of course, still working vividly on our weaknesses that disorganize our daily functioning and cause us suffering. The important thing in all this, however, in my opinion, is to move away from rigidly trying to conform to a certain stereotype or framework – overlooking our individual predispositions.
Stereotypes
Stereotypes repeatedly make it difficult for men to get in touch with their own emotions and fragility, which, after all, applies to every gender. Terms that limit expression and contact with oneself like “men don’t cry” aretoxic. Such “standards” of masculinity hit especially those men who naturally draw more on female energy resources like caring, sensitivity or empathy. Instead of looking at these qualities as resources, individual charm – they repeatedly experience them as shameful, necessary to suppress in order to be that strong, dominant “masculine” one – because that’s probably what everyone expects of them. Such an attitude can lead to depression and the masking of its symptoms, which negatively affects the possibility of treating it often precisely because of shame.
Another stereotype is the access in every man to aggressiveness and dominance. Men are more likely to naturally compete with each other, if only in sports, which have long been a male realm. Rivalry in itself can serve many positive or developmental functions, and similarly, anger serves us to set limits. However, competition and anger can also be toxic. Especially when it is dominated by aggression or devaluation of the opponent in order to protect one’s own image, which is, unfortunately, sometimes a common defense mechanism in many people. In general, perhaps to make things a little easier, I will say that most traits or behaviors that are extreme – that is, as I mentioned earlier, zero-sum, split into black and white – will be negative and toxic. The world and people come in different shades that intertwine, changing depending on the situation – we are fluid. Anything rigid, orthodox – pushes us to toxic thoughts and reactions.
From the editors of gentlewoman.eu:
An interview with Paulina Podrez shows that masculinity today does not fit into the rigid framework of “hard or soft.” On the one hand, we can see men’s fear of sexual flopping and keeping up with a self-conscious partner, on the other – real progress: 64% of Polish fathers already take paternity leave, and 40% of teenagers in crisis choose to talk to their dad. The conclusion? Stereotypes harm everyone – they make it difficult for us to ask for support, for them they block access to emotions. Therefore, we encourage you: read, discuss and let us know what male qualities you value most [email protected]. The more voices, the more complete the picture – which is, after all, what pluralistic debate is all about.
